Recently I read an item on Threads that made me laugh out loud. “New dating app idea: post your thermostat settings to find your match.” The poster then revealed their own preferences: a balmy 24C by day and a chilly 19C at bedtime.The suggestion elicited a rush of responses. “As someone who married outside their thermostat bracket, all I can say is that this is the most brilliant idea ever,” enthused one user. “Get outta here with that daytime terrarium,” responded another. “Are you storing pallets of produce in your house that you need to keep cold?” chimed in a third.As we face the threat of polar vortexes and big freezes this winter, and rocketing utility bills, thermostat wars are clearly a hot topic. In September, an American survey revealed that 44% of couples admitted to sneakily changing the temperature dial after their beloved drifted off.

It also emerged that almost two-thirds of bedfellows disagreed about bedroom climate, with 6% arguing about it every night.Thermospats are not restricted to the home, either. In January 2024, council workers at Oxford town hall discovered that radiator thermostats had been padlocked to stop anyone from turning up the heat.

I can sympathise. In my own office-share, our thrifty manager can control the heating via an app, even when he’s not in the building.

I have also heard of homeowners engaged in bitter battles with lodgers, and parents exasperated by children who wander the house in shorts with the heating on full blast. And recently, staying at a draughty Airbnb near Loch Lomond, we were greeted by the chilly instruction not to turn on the radiators unless strictly necessary because the wood-burning eco stove was perfectly adequate. (Not to mention cheap.)‘He thinks I’m doomscrolling’ … a surreptitious way to achieve the ideal temp.

Photograph: zoranm/Getty ImagesTechnology has definitely paved the way for renegade behaviour. “I got so sick of my husband turning down the heating all the time that last winter I suggested we get a boiler upgrade,” says Sheena. “I told him I was happy to take charge of it all. He displays learned helplessness around these types of chores, so that was music to his ears.

What he still doesn’t realise is that the new thermostat can be overridden by an app. It is his habit to turn down the heating late evening, regardless of how cold it is.

To me, our bedroom feels subzero. It has been a long-running source of bitter arguments.”The boiler upgrade ushered in a new, harmonious era. “Now, when he turns the boiler down to 15C, instead of shouting, I smile good-naturedly.

Once we are tucked up in bed and he’s getting drowsy, I reach for my phone and whack the dial back up to 21 right under his nose. He thinks I’m doom-scrolling.”Surely he notices the blast of warmth? “No, he never does.

I think, for him, turning the heat down has nothing to do with how warm he actually feels. It’s become a default tool of occupying the moral high ground – he’s an environmentalist, and also very careful with money.”Several other women I know shared stories about shivering at the hands of men who insisted on leaving windows open in the dead of winter. “What’s really annoying is how the person who feels hot always wins.

My husband just tells me to put another layer on,” says Tara. She has exacted her revenge, though, by cosying up to him under the duvet clad in a fishtail parka, zipped to the neck, hood up, to survive the arctic bedroom.The gender split isn’t merely anecdotal – scientific studies have shown that women do feel the cold more than men (leaving aside those grappling with the towering inferno of menopause, more of which later).

One 2019 research paper by behavioural economists, Battle for the Thermostat, even found that women performed better on certain cognitive tasks in warmer environments, while men were more likely to perform better in cooler ones.“Women do tend to be more sensitive to cold. They generally have cooler skin temperatures than men,” says Clare Eglin, a thermal physiologist at the University of Portsmouth. “Women usually have less muscle mass and more body fat than men.”She explains that this extra layer keeps the female core warm but blocks some of the warming blood flow to skin and extremities such as hands and feet.

Women’s hormonal profile also plays a part. “Oestrogen makes women slightly more sensitive to the cold,” says Eglin. “Their blood vessels constrict faster in the cold than men’s, which lowers skin temperature. The other factor is that men tend to have more muscle mass, so that means they’ve got more heat-generating potential.”‘Women do tend to be more sensitive to cold.’ Photograph: stefanamer/Getty ImagesBut if you are someone who gets your wish for a warm bedroom, it may interfere with a good night’s sleep. “The optimum number for sleep is about 17C,” says Eglin.

This advice is echoed by British Gas, which says bedrooms should ideally be between 16 and 18C (while daytime rooms should be between 20 and 22C).Core body temperature starts to fall in the evening and typically drops by about 1C. Even patients confined to bed rest with no physical exertion during the day still go through this temperature cycle.

Research has also shown that a lower temperature before bedtime and during the night triggered higher levels of the sleep hormone melatonin in participants.“When you’re asleep, you’re not really aware of what’s going on. You don’t want to be too hot.

In order to get to sleep, your core temperature needs to drop,” she says. “You want to go into a cool bedroom so you do fall asleep.”She mentions that children are similar, temperature-wise, to women in terms of feeling the cold more. “Then in adolescence, boys will tend to sweat more. Men rely on sweat evaporation to keep cool, whereas women and children rely on heat loss through changes in blood flow to the skin.” Eglin explains that women, on average, have a higher skin surface area relative to every kilogram of body weight.

This means they lose body heat more quickly to the environment.Thermo dynamic … compromise is not always about meeting halfway. Photograph: Sebastian Frank/Getty ImagesThe one exception to this gender differential is women going through menopause. “Declining or fluctuating oestrogen is the culprit for hot flushes,” says Eglin. “It creates an increase in core temperature associated with more blood flow going to the skin.” Cue profuse sweating, and when all that moisture on the skin evaporates, you get chills.Living with a partner who is experiencing these symptoms is a recipe for heating havoc.

Jack works from home, as does his wife, Gemma. “These days, our house is basically an igloo,” he laments. “It was so cold I had to wear gloves to type. Eventually I found a solution – a £400 state-of-the-art fan heater with both a hot and cold setting.

During the day, I have it at maximum heat by my desk. In the evenings, we put the heating on.

I’m beside the radiator and she sits next to the cold fan.”Sometimes, people are driven to extreme measures. In October, Homepros, an American heating and plumbing news site, ran a story about an engineer who was once asked to install a “dummy” thermostat in a couple’s home so the man’s wife could adjust the temperature on a device that had no control over anything.

Meanwhile, the real control was hidden in his office.When does all this subterfuge stop being harmless fun and become something more concerning? And how might we find domestic harmony? “If a couple came to therapy arguing about heating, I would want to understand whether this is an isolated issue or whether similar conflicts arise in other areas of their relationship,” says Lina Milner, a relationship therapist and clinical practice lead at Relate. “It’s not so much the disagreement itself, but how people manage their differences.

The first thing I’d be asking a couple is how do they generally communicate? Do they both feel heard and respected?

Can they express different needs without feeling criticised, dismissed or overruled? Is there room for negotiation, or does disagreement become a struggle for control?”Mark Ryan, a BACP-registered relationship psychotherapist agrees that the topic of recurring arguments often isn’t the real issue. “What you find is that conflict is rarely about the specific thing that people are arguing about.

Every couple has a variation of the thing, whether it’s the dishwasher, the thermostat or the bins. But often there’s something deeper going on.

For example, maybe one person has a history of not being listened to in previous relationships or maybe they were with a controlling partner in the past. With conflict, there’s always context.”That said, Ryan points out that thermostat wars can feel so intense because there’s a physical object to wrest control of, and a physical consequence to it.

And there can be an immediate emotional response. “If one person turns it down, and their partner turns it back up, that can feel as if their agency or opinion is being undermined.”If it’s a recurring issue, he advises that a couple should aim to have a reasonable conversation about how to navigate it before the weather turns cold. “Sit down together and hear each other’s point of view so you can get a sense of what compromise might look like. It might be as simple as conceding that the thermostat can be up at certain times of the day, or not set quite as warm as one person wants, but not quite as cool as the other does.”Feeling able to negotiate is key, says Milner. “If one person feels bullied or frightened to express their needs, this raises very different concerns.

Simply encouraging them to stand up for themselves may not be appropriate.” And compromise is not necessarily always about meeting halfway, she says. “People have different needs and vulnerabilities. Age, health conditions, medication, hormonal changes and financial circumstances can all influence how comfortable someone feels at a particular temperature.

Some medications may make people feel unusually cold, while others can cause sweating or hot flushes.”Then there is the issue of how climatic incompatibility could lead to an anticlimax between the sheets. “Many things influence a couple’s sex life, and physical comfort is certainly one of them,” says Milner. “It’s difficult to feel sexy when you’re freezing cold or uncomfortably hot. If you’re cold, you may be more focused on warming up than on sexual intimacy.

Equally, feeling hot, sweaty or sticky might make someone feel uncomfortable or less attractive. What feels cosy and inviting to one partner may feel unbearable to another.”So, who should get their way – the person who feels cold or the overheated partner? “Perhaps the more important question is not who controls the thermostat, but how we maintain warmth in our relationships when our needs differ,” says Milner.Couples’ names have been changed